PASADENA, CA—In hopes of better understanding a phenomenon that has vexed researchers for decades, hundreds of theoretical scientists have assembled at the California Institute of Technology for the 35th annual symposium on how gas nozzles know when a car’s tank is full, sources said Thursday.MILWAUKEE—Calling it a huge opportunity to tap into a market that has traditionally been neglected by motorcycle manufacturers, Harley-Davidson announced Thursday a new line of motorcycles designed specifically for men.
Dear Nate Silver: My name is Emma Gertlowitz and I’m eleven years old and for a million years I liked Justin Bieber because he was so cute but now I like you.
I watched you on MSNBC and HBO and on “Charlie Rose” and I can’t stop thinking about how you study polls and create probability models and predict elections and how you’re always right, which I think is so unbelievably cute, and I keep imagining you saying to me, “Emma, I think that there’s a 93.7% chance of me falling in love with you.”I know that you’re openly gay but that’s fine because we can just hang out and you can say things like “I think that Harry from One Direction is 73% cuter than Louis although Louis is 21.8% funnier than Harry and my model predicts that they would both really like you, Emma, even though they both look 100% like Kristen Stewart, only less rugged.” And I could tell you that if you were choosing a boyfriend for yourself Anderson Cooper would be 85.7% smarter and more sardonic than Ricky Martin, but Ricky would be 23% more mature because he has twins by a surrogate, although Anderson does have a more comprehensive wardrobe of election-year eyeglass frames.
LOS ANGELES—Unexpectedly penning lyrics about colorful autumn foliage and summer cottages on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee, alternative rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers accidentally wrote a song about New Hampshire, sources reported Friday.
POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements.
And then I wonder if you think, But I’m really feeling 58.3% like having a cupcake for breakfast, but then your mom says, “I don’t care if you’re a fancy statistician with a blog and Seattle green-architect eyeglass frames, you still need something heart-healthy to start your day,” but then you tell her, “Mom, if you keep nagging me I will never let you meet my new boyfriend, Matt Bomer.”See, I think that because you predicted the election with near-100% accuracy Matt Bomer is way more likely to go out with you than with Dick Morris, who predicted a Romney landslide, or with Karl Rove, who kept predicting that Ohio was still in play a week after the election was over.
In fact, right now I bet that you could get anyone to go out with you just by saying something like “I predicted Florida, North Carolina, and Illinois, and now I’m predicting that you’ll have dinner with me.” I know that you can also predict the careers of baseball players and that you made a ton of money playing online poker, all of which makes you really cool because you can gamble and do sports without leaving your room; you’re like James Bond in saggy sweatpants whose pockets are filled with wadded-up Kleenex.
I asked my mom if I should tweet about you using #Not AStalker But Look Outside Your Window Right Now, but she said that there would be an 88% chance that you would think that was creepy, so I said, “But what if I used #Maybe If You Tweet Me Back IWon’t Kill Myself,” and she said, “Much better.” And then I asked her if I should call you Nate or Nathaniel or Crunchmaster Natty and we agreed that your e-mail address is probably [email protected] or maybe 100%[email protected] Is
I was thinking that if you came over we could watch “i Carly” on Nickelodeon and we could decide if after five years of wacky high jinks the teen-age actors on the show now look 81.12% like tattered divorcees who could use a drink.
DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
MORGAN HILL, CA—Having blown through nearly half the titles on the 20-book list in less than two weeks, chronically lonely fourth-grader Logan Parata is currently crushing the Santa Clara County Library’s summer reading program, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Silver’s admiration for, a movie about attention to detail, is of course exactly the kind of metaphor a writer hopes for—an almost too-perfect reveal of Silver’s psychology.