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You may question everything you thought about your child, your relationship, and how your life will continue in relation to your son or daughter, and perhaps in relation to your prior expectations. Parents may have a sense of failure at having tried everything, but nothing has worked to restore the relationship.
Getting to a point where you feel you’ve moved on may take time, so be kind to yourself. These are just a few of the feelings you may encounter in response to an adult child’s rejection, betrayal or neglect.
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It’s helpful to reach out to a trusted, empathetic friend or two, but whether you can or can’t confide in others, don’t deny your feelings exist. Some common feelings of rejected parents include: *Guilt: I must not have raised my child right. *Helplessness: How can he/she refuse to take my call? ” Called “ruminating,” this sort of negative thinking spurs more negative thought, perhaps even calling to mind the other things that “always happen.” Clinical studies have linked ruminating to high blood pressure and to unhealthy behaviors such as binge drinking and overeating, so steer clear. Turn your statements and questions around with positive thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking negatively about your adult child or the situation, notice your physical body as well. In short, the way we think about things can reduce our physical stress response Take a few deep breaths, loosen up or even get up and move around. Do something to aid your physical body and health as well as positively altering your thoughts.
An adult child’s rejection may cause parents to look back critically at their parenting skills, even magnifying some incidents or interactions during the child’s growing up years as proof they did a poor job. Parents realize they have no control over their adult child’s actions. Three: Focus on the Good Take time out each day to consider the positive situations and good people in your life.
Expecting that you can go to sleep one night determined to leave the pain of an adult child’s rejection behind, and wake up over it, isn’t realistic. I’ve gleaned a few tips from my own experience with my estranged adult child as well as from studies, books, and articles that can help. Fearing judgment, you may be embarrassed to share your painful truth. Keeping a journal or simply free-writing about your feelings may provide a safe way to offload them. You may be experiencing a stress response that isn’t good for you.
And you may be right to hold back with people at work, or certain friends you feel won’t understand or will judge you. Some find an online group designed as support for parents of estranged adult children useful. Acknowledging your feelings, whether in a journal or by sharing with others you trust can be healthy, but not to excess or in a negative way. Do you catch yourself saying aloud or thinking, “I’ll never get over this..” Are you continually asking questions, such as, “Why do these sorts of things always happen to me? This suggestion may sound trite, but if negative thoughts can produce more negative thoughts, positive thoughts can be as fruitful. As reported in the Harvard Health Newsletter, researchers at Hope College in Michigan found that changing one’s thoughts about a stressful situation, perhaps by considering the parts you handled well or imagining offering forgiveness, changes the body’s responses.
When an adult child abandons parents, or in some cases the entire family, the what-ifs and how-coulds can limit recovery. But staring at the silent telephone, desperately waiting for the uncertain return of your adult child can lead to despair.